you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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