I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
