I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
