Your face is a jimmy john
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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