I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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