He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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