Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
it glows. i had to have it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
