Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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