Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
