I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
