At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
