I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
