John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
