So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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