My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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