so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
