can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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