No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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