So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
