You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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