I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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