Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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