so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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