Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
