That's when you crack a 10am beer
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
