it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
