I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
