I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
