I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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