Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
