You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
