I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
