Whod you bang
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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