On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
