How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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