I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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