My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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