i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Bring me that man meat
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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