When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
