so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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