Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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