True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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