Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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