My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
