I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize