if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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