I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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