if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
