I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
