They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
