Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize