It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
