If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
