just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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