Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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