Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
