So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
