bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
